The Spinning Continues

Feeling the mood to spin.  Spinning I call it when words are floating and dancing in my head and form themselves into something that some may find interesting.  Interesting or intriguing or inspiring...those would be my ultimate affects anticipated.

A restlessness stirred in the air just outside the window.  Dancing with chimes that hang one to another swinging carelessly with no commitment to just one cold metal that are bound just the same though with various lengths of freedoms to hang suspended.
Her leg stretches over to caress only the coldness that greets her skin.  Once an inch becomes warm she moves it once more to the coldness.  Yes she keeps moving to coldness.  The symbolism slaps her in the face as the wind whips the earth outside.
The darkness in the room closes her eyes for her.  She is there again.  The moment when she was warm.  The sort of warmth that could kindle a fire in brown eyes.  She remembers those moments like bathing in a chocolate bath.  Her tongue tastes the sweetness on her responding lips.

 It is now February 2023 and it is unbelievable that I have not written for this long.  Covid kicked me in the teeth in my biz but it was a gift in the long run.  I hope to not abandon you again. 

Enchanting tale

Leave it to me to enter things backwards lol.  Like one who turns to the end of the book to see who does not make it so not to grow to attached to them throughout the story.  

Yes I need this enchanting tale from you probably as much as you do dear sir.  You deserve some twinkling.  You have climbed some of the most treacherous grounds to reach happiness and romance and it makes me sad to read your last few  messages.  As if you could have stayed in the stagnant waters you were in previously.  I want you to soar no matter what feathered creature it requires.  To feel your happiness and by closing my eyes seeing that mischievous sparkle in your eye would do my soul good. 

Struggling towards Light...

• I don't really want a relationship right now.  I just want to live in a house hidden from the road by grown up trees and flowers and vines.  I want everyone to just think of me in passing.  Then he arrived just as I was deciding this and I can't decide if it is not in the plan for me to be alone.  My world does seem to be more inline with the old me...the creativity is flowing like rivers.  I am trying to bottle it to save for the next drought.  When I reactivated my writing blog I was reading over some of the previous things I had written  and it was like words of another person.  I honestly couldn't believe I had written them.  It's like each story came from a certain moment, a certain breath in time that circled the room before dancing along the curtains out the window and it was gone.  

Inspiration Emerges

Inspiration emerges when you least expect...thank you Joseph. 

She could see the horizon all laying still. A shadow began to emerge from the earths skin.

Growing taller stretching into a being.

She could make out the steps struggling against the wind.

Making its way to her determined. She wanted to make lessen the struggle for him but she couldn’t move. Her heart was pounding against her chest matching the beat of his steps.

She longed to run, she fought to stay. She fought for breath. She fought for him. She felt dry, he was water. She longed to bathe in him. He drew closer. Each step Determined to reach her. More than an extension of the earth now.  He was a world. He held warmth of a sun, the quenching of seas and the strength of the mountains.

As the shadow grew smaller he came closer. She knew the lines on his face and the angle of his shoulders. She was now seeing them for the first time though she knew them like she knew herself. How could she have not seen before? He now standing inches from her. She exhausted from just standing. The strength it took not to run left her weak. Collapsing would be so decadent.

She knew with her whole being he’d catch her.

That kind of certainty is rare.

Driving Away

She opened the door and there he lay with a peacefulness on his face like she’d never seen there.  He had let go – or had she?  Somewhere in the night there had been a great release, but by whom she wasn’t sure.  What was she feeling as she gazed upon his body?  What a magical moment that occurred just hours before.  She had met his every crest and valley – as he had hers.   The moon had shown brightly through the sheer curtains as if lighting the stage of performance.  The stars glimmered as camera flashes from a respondent audience.  Does she feel full now or sudden emptiness.  Such a fine line to walk between the two sensations.  As he had looked at her – his eyes had been full of trust and soft caressing tenderness.  She knew she would never live up to what those eyes were looking for within her. 

What had she come this far?  The road back would be all up hill.  Again, she had let herself become distracted from the level easy route that she had planned.  These excursions drained her so.  She tries to remember when she had first begun the journey that led to this place.  This place where she stood in the early morning, listening to the world outside wake up with gentle greetings to this new day.  As she stood here, calmly looking towards the lifeless body of the soul that innocently crossed her well plotted path – causing her to veer into that crater of vile anger that had replaced her soul.  She must again retrace the steps that let her here – hoping to prevent the consumption of yet another innocent life.  She turns and walks away, knowing that no amount of strolling down the same road again will prevent her return…

Funny how people buy whole buildings – homes they prefer to call them to hold all the things they have collected like the possessions serve as a life line of some sort.  Allie was thinking such thoughts as she  placed every item she truly felt was all she wanted from her life into the trunk of her car.  A handful of pictures that place her in scenes she can hardly recall at this point, a small box with some treasured trinkets like jewelry, ticket stubs to events she at attended, a small address book of people she’d never call or write.  She had a couple bags packed with clothes, shoes and cosmetics.  There were a few books that would serve as moments of escape from this hellacious life she had woven for herself.  She closed the trunk – squinting as a sharp ray of morning sun peeped from over the tree line that surrounded the house.  She slid behind the steering wheel, gave the motor life with the turn of the ignition and placed the car in reverse.  As she is about to pull the car into a forward motion and move down the road, she glances back towards the front door, as if someone is about to appear there, waving, wishing her well with her journey.  She knows she will find no movement at the door.  The small amount of warmth that remained in his body would not be enough to create any type of movement.  She remembers the last movement.  The memories of those last movements burn into her reflections.  At the time she never knew which motion would be the last.  She always anticipated the moment when she would feel the last weak breath leave and enter her.  What power to ride the dance of death – sway with the fight spirit until it surrenders.  She is one of the few that can endure the dance and move away more powerful than when she entered the dance floor.  She’s driving now – this part excites and renews her – the idea that she can go any direction she desires, but chooses instead to remain on the predestined course she knows she must follow. 

Life's Eight

She took a final deep breath of the cool night air before opening the heavy door that led into the main lobby.  She glided past the desk clerks as if she knew where she was going and needed no assistance.  She pushed the up arrow and waited, unmoving for the elevator.  Somehow this all seemed familiar to her.  Her actions were familiar, however this was the only time she had actually carried them out - other than in her daydreams.  The doors slid open and she entered.  She pressed the number 8 and began analyzing the shape of the number.  It seemed to reflect her life lately.  Just a line rotating, seeming to be headed somewhere, but in reality only making circles - going nowhere.  The stopping of the elevator reminded her that she would possibly be breaking that pattern tonight because for once she knew where she was going.  She read the signs directing the proper room order.  She knew the room number for she had been given it in case she needed to call.  As she walked, the numbers began to grow - as did the rate of her heart beat.  Don't think - Don't think - Don't think she kept saying to herself.  If you thought you wouldn't be here.  Be a body with no soul, just for tonight.  She reached the room, realizing that on the other side lay another world.  A world of possibly no return.  She raised her hand and knocked once - softly, then another more boldly.  There was movement, then stillness, probably checking the peep hole, but she had slightly turned her head leaving only to be viewed the profile of someone in a long coat and hat tilted slightly.  The door was opened slightly and when she could make eye contact she then allowed her dark brown eyes and shiny slightly tinted lips show her identity.  The door was opened enough for her to enter.  The body inside only stepped back to allow enough room for her to enter and shut the door.  The room was lit by only a dim light over the bed.  Their bodies cast monster like shadows on the wall.  She met his eyes again.  Only to find questioning, surprise.  He rubbed his eyes as if to wake up from a fantasy like dream.  When he looked at her again he began to open his mouth and speak, but her cat like reflexes placed a gentle finger on his lips.  She removed her hat releasing her long dark mane to fall to her back and shoulders.  She unbuttoned her coat slowly allowing it to fall to the floor.  Underneath was a cream colored negligee with thin shoulder straps and only a few tiny pearls speckled along the chest that allowed colors to reflect in the dim room.  She now stepped closer to him.  She stood on her toes and only allowed her lips to touch his.  He tried to return the gesture, but she pulled slightly away causing him to be motionless.  She then ran a path of kisses to his neck and the part between his neck and shoulder.  She put a hand on each of his shoulders backing him gently to the nearest wall.  She then turned with her back facing him and reached for his hands placing them on the soft delicate fabric that covered her stomach then stepped back towards him until their bodies appeared as one in the shadow on the wall. 

She began rubbing just slightly across his body.  He was only clothed in a pair of khaki pants that he had probably slipped on when he heard the knock.  His garment did not hide his manhood that she now felt pressing against her back.  His fingers began to rub up and down the silky negligee sending waves of fire through her.  She then took his hands and with them eased the straps from her shoulders.  She knew that her part of the planning was now over.  The rest was in his hands.  As if he knew too - he bent over placing an arm behind her legs and scooped her up taking her to the bed.  He kissed her now with no restrictions, gently then ravishingly.  He had waited for this moment for a life time it seemed.  He reached for the light switch and suddenly the room was consumed by darkness.  No turning back, no looking forward, just now, feeling, loving, experiencing each other. 

With the morning light came reality.  Vivian felt as though she was in a foreign land.  She raised her head slightly and turned toward the warm spot beside her.  He was still gently sleeping.  His eyelids look like the innocent eyes of a small child.  Suddenly she wanted to be invisible.  She felt like she had dove into quick sand and was now living in the world that lies beneath the quicksand pool.  She gently slid her legs off the bed and sat up on the edge of the bed.  Alex had waken now but remained unmoving.  He watched her back as she sat naked on the side of the bed.  This was his angel he knew.  She came in the night and blessed his life with warmth and contentment.  As Vivian tried to ease her weight from the bed she felt Alex's hand around her waist and her body was pulled towards him.  She struggled at first only slightly.  Subconsciously this is what she wanted.  Her skin had gotten cold while she was sitting naked on the edge of the bed, so his body under the covers was sedating.  She felt as content as a new born kitten against its mother.  Alex rolled her to her back and kissed her forehead gently.  His eyes took in her eyes and would not release them for a long time.  He then looked at her lips.  They needed kissing, which he obliged. 

Vivian no longer wanted to be invisible.  She wanted to be the only thing that he could see.  She squeezed him tight to her as a small tear drew its path down the side of her face and into her hair.  She felt the happiest she had felt in a long time and at the same time she felt as sad as she had in a long time. He pulled from her squeeze and said "Good Morning, my beautiful angel."  These seemed the sweetest words Vivian had ever heard.  "Good Morning to you too, but I don't feel like an angel this morning."  Ignoring the meaning behind her statement Alex added "Last night was better than any dream I've ever had.  When I opened that door and saw that it was you I needed to pinch myself, but at the same instant I didn't want to wake up.  If only I could bottle that feeling and keep it with me all of the time."  With that Alex kissed Vivian again and their passion was reignited.  As he moved inside of her he moaned into her ear, "Damn, you feel too good." 

"Watch your language she scolded between breathes." 

"I'm trying." 

He moved perfectly with her every move.  She whispered to him, "And you said you weren't a musician.  You play me wonderfully."

He muffled a chuckle and said, "A musician, I like that."

After their lovemaking left them both to be lying on their backs and looking at the ceiling and breathing long deep breaths, Vivian decided it was time for her to depart.  She rolled to her side placing her feet on the floor and stood very weakly.  She went to the bathroom and stepped beneath the hot water in the shower.  The water began to pound the reality into her head as it fell downward.  Vivian dried quickly and replaced her clothing.  She felt that she might suffocate if she didn't get out of the room.  When she re-entered the room she could smell breakfast.  Alex had taken the liberty of ordering a large spread and he was obviously happy with himself.  When he saw Vivian he could see in her face the transformation that had taken place within the bathroom.  She looked disoriented with a dazed look in her eyes.  His fear had come true, she regretted coming to him.  This would be a battle he could not win.  He knew there would be no stopping her or taking the regret away.  She managed a smile that failed to camouflage her inner thoughts.  "I really must be going, it was really sweet of you to order breakfast."  She glanced down at her hands which were in a ringing motion, nuckles pailing from the pressure.  She closed her eyes tightly to stop the tears.  She must face him once more to say goodbye before leaving.  She must stay together.  It took more energy to look at Alex once more to say goodbye than Vivian had ever used in her entire life. "Alex, I...I must leave now, I...I'm sorry I came like this...I just needed..."

This time it was Alex's catlike motion that stopped her with a single finger against her lips.  "Shhh, say no more now.  I understand you must leave, but please just leave the room, this place, don't leave what happened inside the room and please don't forget how I feel about you.  I need you Vivian." 

Vivian could not face him another second, she had to escape those eyes, those lips, the sedating sound of his voice.  She turned gathering her things as she hastily reached the door, hesitated only a moment, then dashed out, back into her world, her world of reality that clung to her like a damp fog. 

She does not remember much about how she reached her driveway.  She felt like her car had driven itself to bring her safely home.  She climbed the steps to her home noticing the dim light on in the living room.  She walked through the large doors that led into the entrance hall.  The crystal on the chandelier seem to hang like shiny daggers rather than the thing of beauty that it really was.  Surprisingly she made her way up the large circle staircase and to her room without a confrontation from anyone.  She reached her room and sank onto her bed.  How could she go from feeling so beautiful just a few hours ago to feeling so tainted and unclean?  She noticed the clock on the wall and realized that Edgar's plane would be landing in an hour.  She went into the bathroom and took another shower, as if it were written on her skin about where she had been.  She dressed and then ventured out of the security of her bedroom.  She glanced down the hall to Edgar's room.  Knowing tonight he would be there like a guard watching over her, his wife, like one would guard a priceless antique, yet not touching it. 

She came down the stairs and met Clara coming up.  "Good morning Miss. I haven't fixed breakfast yet, I was just coming up to wake you."

"There's no need Clara, I'm not hungry and I've got to pick up Edgar from the airport."

"Jason could go for him, if you like"  Clara referring to her son who did odd jobs around the manor.  Vivian paused a moment wanting to take Clara up on her offer because it would give her more time to settle her nerves, but no she wanted to be there to greet him, she felt it was the least she could do after..."  She had to get control, she could not go thinking every thought like that.  She would go crazy, feeling like a servant owing everything to him.  She would go pick him up because she was his devoted wife and for that reason only she managed to convince herself. 

She had the car brought around and waited in the front entrance hall until the driver came inside.  She couldn't look the driver in the face as he opened the door for her as she folded her long legs into the mercedes coupe.  Edgar liked expensive toys, though he seldom used them.  He'd rather be in the comfort of the limosene while a driver controlled the route they took.  Vivian was a definite contrast to that.  There were often days that the only control Vivian felt that she had in her life was the direction she decided to turn from the end of the driveway.  She felt free once she could no longer see the towering home in the rear view mirror.  She would first speed to escape, sliding around curves and over hills, then she would drive slowly enjoying the freedom she experienced.  These thoughts were going through her mind now, but then she realized she wasn't free.  Her destination was now being controlled by the man who waited for her.  With that thought the car turned into a trap around her. 

She arrived at the airport ten minutes before the plane was scheduled to land.  She sat in the terminal watching the faceless bodies greet one another and leaving together.  Most people embracing for sometimes a long time and often a stronger show of emotion in a lingering kiss.  A kiss that promised more once they were alone.  These images caused Vivian's eyes to mist.  She was in such deep thought she did not even notice him approach her.  She noticed the shiny leather shoes stop in front of her.  She looked up and realized he was pausing at her only to wait on her to proceed with him to the car.  She gathered her bag and coat and led the way to the car.  The only words he spoke was "Did you have to park this far away?"  At which Vivian replied that because of the holidays the airport was unusually busy."  He did not acknowledge her explanation but only got into the passenger side of the car.  The drive home was filled with several attempts from Vivian to break the silence.  "How was the weather in Cape Cod?"  Then with no response she added "I bet it was nice and warm compared to here."  She was mentally exhausted when she reached the driveway to their home.  They both exited the car and entered the doorway.  "Would you like something to eat? I can get Frances to fix you something quick."  His reply "No, I never have an appetite after a flight.  I'm going up to my room and lay down.  He started up the stairs and half way up turned around, "why didn't you send someone for me, it was not necessary for you to pick me up like a servant."

Stunned Vivian's mind raced with the real reasons she felt so obligated to pick Alex up today.   "I just thought the drive would be nice," and added after a pause, "Also I was anxious to see you, you've been gone for over a week." 

Alex smiled from one corner of his mouth and shook his head as he went up the staircase and to his room where she could hear the door being shut behind him.  Vivian stood unmoving with her arms wrapped around her.  She needed to feel someone's arms around her she wanted to feel that she had been missed by her husband.  Did  she ask for too much?  Had she not given enough?  Maybe she had not.  After all that had been done for her once, she owed alot of patience and understanding.  With that thought she went about arranging dinner plans and the other household duties she had to in order to keep her thoughts from straying to another person who couldn't give her what she had needed once upon a time but could give her what she needed now. 

Alex came out of his room at dinner time and descended the stairs.  Vivian sat in the reading room and heard his steps in time to turn towards the doorway and see him enter.  He looked rested and fresh.  He approached her kissing her on the forehead.  "Hello dear.  I feel so much better.  I must have seemed atrocious earlier.  The nap did me alot of good."  He approached his desk and flipped though the pile of mail that lay on it.  "Did anything happen while I was gone that I need to be made away of?"

Of course Vivians automatic thought was yes something happen another man made love to your wife like she had never been made love to before.  Another man showed her that she could feel pretty and sexy.  Vivian had to almost shake her head to keep the thoughts from coming out of her mouth.  "A couple packages arrived for you I had them placed in your workshop."  Alex opened one of the letters that laid on his desk.  What is this?  Vivian jumped at the tone of his voice.  She could see from the letter head that the note was from Emerald Landscaping.    

"That must be the estimate for the ground renovating you requested." 

"I know what it is you foolish girl but the amount is way over a realistic budget for such an endeavor.  I thought you were going to call around for the fair landscaper?"  His stare was now set on her.

Suddenly Vivian felt very small.  "I did check around with other people whom we know have had extensive landscaping done and that company came highly recommended."  Vivian was having to defend a high estimate as if she herself had written the estimate.  "I will check with some others if...."

Alex did not give her time to finish her sentence. "No I will take care of it like I should have before.  I just wanted you to feel included in the project, but as I see you will just let some money hungry worker run over you.  Don't give it another thought, dear."

How could he cut her down to the bare and then sum it up with a sweet address like 'dear'?"  You would have thought from his tone that he had just discovered a present from her and had thanked her for her thoughtfulness.  She closed her eyes for a couple of seconds to retain her control.  He pushed her to her limit sometimes.  At that time one of the servants came to the door clearing their throat to announce that dinner would be served shortly.  Vivian kindly aknowledged the servant with a smile which faded as soon as her eyes turned toward Alex.

"You treat the help like they were family.  It's no wonder that they don't respect you.  Respect is a thing that you create with control." 

Vivian's looked straight into her lap where her hands now rung each other in a nervous twist.  "The servants respect me, I see no need in making them feel like they are less human that we are."  She was as shocked at her words as much as Alex was shocked.  She rarely voiced her opinion. 

"Vivian don't play games with yourself, they would turn on you in a half minute if given the opportunity.  Don't you forget that fact."  Again he had that tone as if greeting a small frightened child.  "Let's eat, your 'family' awaits us."  Letting out a belly laugh at his clever remark.  He stopped at her chair and extended his arm to her.  "My lady would you allow me the honor of accompanying you to the dinner table?"

His character swings kept Vivian in a blur.  The rest of evening was pretty calm with a nice dinner for just the two of them.  Alex talked of a spring trip.  He made it sound like a second honeymoon, when they didn't even share the same bed now.  Anyway Vivian was swept away again in the imaginary world where her husband loved her more than anything and needed her in his life.  Why did he at one moment paint a lovely picture with beautiful words and the next moment light a match with his sharp tongue and watch the picture go up in a whirl of smoke. 

Vivian awoke the next morning as a tiny ray of light peeked through her sheer curtains.  She rolled away from the light to the empty area of the bed.  She closed her eyes, pretending there was someone warm lying there to hold her.  As her hand stretched across the mattress it was met with only the ice coldness of the sheet.  As she opened her eyes the morning spark in her eyes was now a shimmering blur.  She wrapped a robe around herself, opened the french doors and stepped onto the balcony that overlooked acres and acres of rolling country side that was part of the estate.  This was hers, well partially anyway.  She lived in this beautiful home and was waited on by servants. She was left to occupy her days with several different activities including horseback riding, swimming or lounging by the pool, reading in the well stocked library, or just to remain in her room and nap the day away.  Why couldn't she be happy with all that she had been given.  She didn't care that she could do all these things, she wanted someone there to care what she was doing with her days.  She had this constant yearning for someone to feel passion for her.  Someone who hurt when she hurt and laughed when she laughed.  All of these material things did not make up for the person that she was missing in her life.  She needed a companion, not just on paper but a true companion to share life's experiences with from day to day.  Maybe she was having maternal feelings.  No, that was not it.  A baby would not be there to hold her in the night when she awoke from a bad dream amd to wipe the tears away. She needed a soul mate that could take this journey through life with her and share in the triumphs as well as defeats.  She could hardly be strong enough to carry herself from day to day, how could she possible carry someone else? 

As a chill began to creep under the robe Vivian went back inside, bathed and dressed.  As she descended from the staircase she noticed a couple servants gathered, obviously in a deep hushed discussion.  When one alerted the others of her presence a loud silence bit the room.  Feeling uncomfortable by their sideways glances Vivian spoke "Good morning, it's a lovely day is it?" 

She was not greeted with usual chit chat.  A couple mumbled in unison "Yes M'am."  Vivian could feel the coldness in the air.  She dismissed the feeling and went into kitchen.  She poured herself a cup of coffee and held the cup in both hands to allow the warmth to ease into her flesh.  She walked out of the kitchen and entered the dining room and kept walking until she reached the door that let to the outside patio.  She sat at a table there and enjoyed the morning breeze and the slight warm glow from the morning sun.